Do you think that angry behavior is "just a fact of life?" Perhaps you think that everyone gets angry, or, it's not your place to "butt in." Perhaps you think that anger means yelling, screaming and general rage, and since this isn't typified in your life, then anger must not be an issue. Take notice of signs of anger behavior. Have you noticed short tempers, absenteeism, irresponsible actions, or a lack of motivation, productivity, creativity and humor? Have you observed an increase in apathy, passive-aggressive behavior, gossip, a lack of concentration, or general unhappiness? If you notice any of these, anger is present and it needs your attention. These are the more common attributes of anger.
As a professional public speaker on the issue of anger, I have found that the majority of people I work with initially tell me that they don't have an anger problem. They say "I only yell at my kids" or "I only rage four times a year". That's like saying "Do I have an alcohol problem, I only drink sherry and I only get drunk four times a year?"
Most people believe that:
Studies have shown that holding anger in is actually better for a person than letting it all out spontaneously. When a person releases spontaneous anger, although it may feel good physically, releasing it is more destructive in the long run because it is an "anger rehearsal". An anger rehearsal actually improves one's ability to "be angry" with practice. This is very similar to other habits such as smoking, drinking, overeating, or gambling. The more you do it the easier it becomes.
Angry people have excuses built in so readily that they are not even aware of how they justify their behavior. Have you ever heard someone say "You can't blame me because..." Now listen to how creatively that "blank" can be filled in: You can't blame me "because I was abused as a kid", "because it's the other guys fault", "because I'm just not a morning person", "because I have too much work to do", or "because my boss doesn't understand me". Our society embraces excuses - just analyze television shows, listen to politicians, and witness the judicial system. We seem to say, all too frequently, that even if or when something is our fault, we don't have to take individual responsibility. We can litigate.
It is one thing to feel angry, and another thing entirely to act on that behavior. So, what's a person to do? The short and simple answer is to admit you have a problem, and stop the angry thoughts and behaviors as soon as they occur. Anger outbursts are not an automatic response to a situation, how you respond is your choice. Delving into "past issues" isn't as productive as working on today's angry behavior. First, be willing to accept "no" as an answer. Second, stop being a "victim" (that rude sales woman was not out to get you, nor are your kids, your boss or the person who cut you off on the freeway). Many people have had dreadful past situations, but using your past to stay angry, is yet another excuse for behaving badly.
Angry people are great at telling me what won't work. Just for a moment, put down the defenses and try this exercise. Answer the question positively "What would happen if no unjust punishment or uncontrolled anger was allowed at home or work?" After getting my seminar participants to stop telling me how this won't work and tell me how it will work, they come up with the following positive outcomes if uncontrolled anger and unjust punishment were forbidden:
Julie Ireland, M.S. Counseling, has been a public speaker and comedian for over 15 years. Julie owns Funny Business, a professional speaker business, and presents trainings on Office Anger...A Different Perspective and Improv Comedy as a Team Builder, all of which have heralded rave reviews. Call 303 894-0160 for a free consultation.
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